My darling wife Tina lost her battle with cancer in March 2014. It devastated me, and despite the efforts of friends, family, and bereavement counsellors I remain in that terrible state of sadness. Since that dread day I have struggled to understand my fluctuating emotions, understand and deal with in truth, and turned to the written word in the form of laments as a means of so doing. I was encouraged to keep a journal but found writing “Today I feel rubbish, I just want to die and be with Tina once more” over and over again didn’t quite do it for me! My laments reflect my emotions, my deepest feelings, and having written them and then read them subsequently I feel “Yes, that is it, that is my pain, that is my sadness!”. Although I am no happier, at least through my laments I can visualise my grief, give it form, and of equal importance show them to friends and family saying “If you really want to understand my sadness, read this!!” A bit heavy-handed for some of my family admittedly, but like it or not the effect has been more positive than negative. Anyway the following is just one of many…….
Tina filled my life with beauty,
Gave a meaning to everything.
Each time she looked at me
She would smile with love.
Blue moments simply vanished
At the sound of her rich laughter.
And the happiness she gladly shared
Warmed me more than the Sun above.
With Tina I saw the rainbow,
There was always music, never noise.
And her natural kindness and compassion,
Made of me a better man.
In Tina my soul had found its mate
Releasing a joy hitherto unknown,
Filling each day with the certain knowledge
That in her love always I can.
They killed Tina’s body,
And They took to Them her soul,
And that bitter pill
That I’ve had to take
Shattered my heart,
Choked my soul,
Filled my veins with the coldest cold,
And Darkened everything.