I lost my husband Neil 2 yrs ago, he was my world,my soulmate and mentor. we had been together 24 yrs, been on a recovery addiction program for the same time and we both had experienced mental heal issues. our love was so deep,that when Neil had his first hear attack in 98, I refused to accept he was dying and went into the resuscitation room and I screamed for the dr who had temporarly left him and I saved his life. (this was confirmed by the nurse in charge that nite, when Neil came out of ICU. this brought us together even more, but his heart was only 75%left. Neil became ill again after I took early retirement and I spent the last few yrs looking after him. He had 13 heart attack and the last time in hopsital the consultant told me that he was putting Donot resuscitate on his note> I begged him not to, on 2 occasions, but my guilt is I still believed Neil would bounce back like he had done for the past 4 yrs. I was in total denial and it hurts like hell….then I got the call from a foreign nurse at 3.45am to rush to the hospital, unfortunately precious time was wasted as she could not express clearly and used a secondary telephone number. I got there just in time to say”I m here darling”, The pain is still horrendous at time, coming home to an empty home. the guilt,because I have OCD, I unintentionally made his life more difficult, and at times i struggle with the pain and anxiety (13 trips to hospital in less than 2 yrs). Thank you for giving me the space to put this down, I trust my email will remain private.