My thanks to Libby for sharing the story – and pain – of losing her son, DP.
I lost my kind, beautiful, boisterous, intelligent son very suddenly and unexpectedly 19 months ago…I did not get time to say goodbye, or to tell him how much I loved him and how proud I was of his achievements in his short life…Nothing. In the blink of an eye he was gone, snatched from me, from this life, and from all his tomorrows. I could not bring him back, I could not save him, I could not protect him, he had left this world and in his passing I was left to pick up the semblance of what was left of my life without him in it. The first year I lived in a kind of a fog wherein it was hard to decipher the real from the surreal. Since that awful day nothing has ever been the same. He was the light in my life.
D.P. was a special soul with a beautiful raw energy about him and a zest for life and knowledge…life for him was to be lived, to be enjoyed, to be experienced to the full. Now I live in the half light…that is truly how it feels, I cannot imagine a day when I will ever feel differently but I hope it will change in time. Some days are easier to get through than others, so I suppose in some small way that is a change in itself. I am a survivor and every day I wake up and I get up and try to put some semblance of normality into my day I prove that to myself. He took such a huge part of my heart it could never be whole again, but that’s ok, it was his to take. I will always miss him, and the healing may take the rest of my life, who knows where it begins or where it ends. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children, it is not the way of things, it goes against the natural cycle and the very rhythm of life, but it is where I find myself. Someday… soon I hope, I will try to do something positive with the life I have been given, to help other parents going through this pain. I don’t know how or when it will be but I believe In reaching out to them, not only will I be honouring their loss I will be honouring my son D.P., his life and his memory in some small way. That is all I can do now to show him how much will always love him. Actually I read a quote this very day it said ‘To know the road ahead, ask those coming back’ Chinese proverb. Somehow it resonated with me and perhaps it is a sign I am on the right path.
I wish love and healing to all those who read this post. I believe you would not have found this site were not on your own personal journey of grief and healing.